Special Mother’s Day Report: The Mommy Wars Are Over!

14 05 2012

(Worldwide, North American Mother’s Day 2012,
Associated Press)

The news we have all been waiting for has finally arrived– the Mommy Wars are now officially over. Just in time for Americans to celebrate Mother’s Day this recent May 13th, we have received word that both sides of the Mommy Wars divide have agreed that no such war exists any longer and that peace talks and healthy discussions of differences are now fully in effect. Individuals will finally be treated as individuals, and not aligned-with purely for the groups which they claim to belong to. CNN reports that the groups themselves are in the process of dissolving, so as to eliminate divisiveness in the parenting communities.

May 13, 2012- President Barack Obama, acting as Commander in Chief, announces that the War between the Mothers has ended.

This news comes just weeks after extremists in the anti-AP and -NCB camp attempted to drop a bomb on the nation of Brazil. The intended target was missed, but the bomb hit the Atlantic Ocean, causing a series of complications which resulted in citizens near the shore losing power for about 20 minutes. Luckily, the Brazilians didn’t seem to notice.

Celebration takes place in the streets as sides have put down their arms. Instead, they have decided on flamboyant parades full of hugs and sisterhood. Membership cards to any particular group are being burned in the street with noted glee.

AP and NCB (“attachment parenting” and “natural childbirth”) leaders hired perennial Mommy favorite John Cusack to be present at anti-AP/NCB locales and hold his stereo over his head as a show of appreciation and gesture of good will. The song playing was Boyz II Men’s  “A Song For Mama“.

Ryan Gosling could not be reached for comment.

Although sides may still disagree, they no longer target one another with condescension and ideas such as, “you are entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts”. Both sides have recognized finally and officially that “facts” are relative and subject to one’s trust in the source, and have agreed to only gently share views rather than to attack and aggressively go out of their way to debate. Information will continue to be shared on a “need to know” basis. All terrorism has been abolished. People of like mind will continue to convene at agreed-upon locations, free to practice their beliefs in peace and harmony and without fear of retaliation or subterfuge.

People seeking information on parenting from either generalized ideology will finally do their own research and be trusted to make their own grown-up decisions, rather than being sneakily tricked into drinking any kool-aid or bitterly indoctrinated. Interference of any sort will only be encouraged in cases of blatant child abuse;  speculation or sensationalism will be strictly prohibited in placing judgment, as there is now a “live and let live” peace treaty underway. Both sides have sworn to uphold values of consideration toward the feelings of people who differ, and to prize them as just as valuable and valid as their own feelings.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. It’s the dawn of a new day.


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One response

15 05 2012
Lyndell

hahha! very well done 🙂

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