Guest Post by Michelle: Grieving Mothers Deserve Better, Stillbirthday.

Michelle (a loss mother) had something to say about the targeting Stillbirthday (an organization that claims to care about the healing process of loss mothers) has aimed her way. They publicly rebuke her and made false accusations, but refused to publish this comment of hers, even though we allowed them to respond on this blog in their own defense. Apparently our asking questions was tantamount to harassment and hate, and they’ve chosen to return the favor rather than provide the information we were seeking. The reason?: they didn’t want to get involved in anything “unproductive”. Listen to Michelle’s words and decide if you think they are capable of appropriately handling conflicts or giving qualified care to grief-stricken parents of infant loss.

Truth be told this entire blog piece which was in reference to ME was completely condescending.

I don’t care WHAT you say there is absolutely NO excuse for another grieving mother to tell me that I didn’t love my son and that I am the reason he died. None. Not a single excuse can be made for her. I did nothing to provoke her “anger”, since this seems to be the excuse you make for her every time. The only thing I did was disagree with her position on certified professional midwives. Negligence occurs ALL THE TIME in HOSPITALS too.

When a loss occurs, you need someone who will stand by you without prejudice or judgment. You can't trust just anybody to help you through your grief. Who can you trust?

This is not something that is strictly occurring during home births attended by [people] other than CNMs. I refuse to change my OWN position in this fight against midwifery because of the way someone else feels. And bullying me about how I deal with my OWN loss is not going to change my position. And that is what she and all of her friends did and continue to do anytime my blog is posted somewhere. She has no reason to be angry at anyone who is standing up for themselves and what THEY believe in. Even despite all the nasty things she said about me I would never ever DREAM of insinuating that she didn’t love her baby. That’s what people who really do have compassion for others do. She has clearly stated she has no sympathy for people like me regarding my loss because I am not blaming the world the way she is. THIS IS NOT THE PROPER MENTALITY FOR A PERSON TO HAVE AS A MENTOR FOR GRIEVING MOTHERS.

I am sure you probably won’t even approve of this post so no one but you will even see it. Please stop posting your condescending blog posts about me and my loss. I am not the one in need of help here. I have peace about my loss thanks.

We’ll see it, Michelle. We’ll see it. You haven’t done anything wrong. All you’ve ever done was tell people that peace was attainable after stillbirth, and that sometimes deaths have no one to blame. We applaud you.

“Mommy Wars”?

Most little girls dream one day of when they will become mothers. We get together with some of our other friends and play with dolls or play house. Then we grow up, and start having to face the realities and intricacies of what it means to become a responsible woman and mother.

Then, we sometimes witness many camps divide.

Let’s look at me, for example, for just a moment. I’m a loner. I keep to myself. As a child and teen I had my moments of being a dork as well as my moments of being popular. But, I got married and started a family young. I made that my life. Other friends went to college. Some stuck to the work force. Some decided to spend their 20’s partying. Different strokes. But, since I’ve been keeping so much to myself, I’ve more or less sheltered myself from the outside world in the best possible sense. I’ve been innocently unaware of something which is apparently pretty widespread– the concept of “mommy wars”.

Who knew that grown women would have pissing matches to compare one another against all mommies, in an effort to see who the best Mommy is? What kind of catty nonsense is that? Do you think Dads do that? (God, I hope not.)

This was lost on me, but then again, I’ve never been in a Mean Girls clique, or been fond of keeping a brood of female friends. I think part of what makes me not fit in anywhere and why I’m “so different’ from other females is I don’t feel the need to lean on other women for support or to feel good/better about me. I am a woman and a mother, with or without their validation.

I only recently found out about this Mommy Wars idea accidentally, through finding my way to my best birth. It was through that channel that I went down the rabbit hole into the internet cesspool and discovered that birth was measured, being “crunchy” was measured (a new term to me, as well), etc.

Then I discovered that some of the biggest people to bitch about Mommy Wars are perpetrators/instigators themselves. They talk incessantly of how unfair it is to be compared, all the while laughing at and ridiculing others for their choices. Go figure. Now I’ve even seen it in the realm of internet bullying. I told some friends recently that my high school experience had more maturity, and I wasn’t lying. What I left out is that it had more class, too.

The source of it all is insecurity. Even other women who do not knowingly partake in Mommy Wars have felt challenged by others who merely mention ways they are doing good for their families or themselves (like in birth). I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I promise you that if I am talking about how I’m doing and how great it is, it is not to make you feel bad about your own life.  Likewise, when I share the down moments in life, I hope it doesn’t make you feel superior. Make choices that make you honestly proud and then others won’t be able to shake your faith in yourself!

I never feel insecure about how “crunchy” or “uncrunchy” I am, because I never made anyone feel bad about it on purpose, and I never felt anyone had done this to me, either. I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve never become an active member of a playdate group? So yeah, I cloth diaper when I can. I give drug free, unassisted birth and advocate for going all natural. I also eat potato chips with my kids while they watch Spongebob. STFW? And you know, this is normal to me. I never stopped to question if this was normal to others “like me”, or if that even mattered. Which it doesn’t.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in a contest and I’m not interested in a comparison. I’m only interested in doing the best I can for my family. I want me, you, and everyone to live life healthy and happy. That’s all I ever wanted, and even if the Mommy Grade you gave me in this Mommy War was an A+, I’d tell you to stick it up your ass look in the mirror before judging others. I give most people the benefit of the doubt that they are doing what they can for their families. Do yourself and everybody else a favor– do your best, let yourself off the hook, and then let everyone else off, too. (This is that forgiveness I keep talking about in the book!)

I’ll make every woman a deal– I won’t base my self worth as a mother around what I think you think of me if you do the same.

If we could do that for each other, we could be like we were when we were kids again, innocently playing dolls, being friends.