A Peaceful Birth For Christmas

Would you like to give the gift of comfortable birth freedom this holiday season? Now you can. Of all charitable donations you could possibly make, this one might be the most personal and hit closest to home.

Give Birth Freedom for Christmas, Click here

Maria is expecting right around Christmas Day, and just like the Virgin Mary, she is looking for a room for the night. Also like the Virgin Mary, Maria gives birth unassisted. She is not a first time mother and is experienced. She just needs our help to make it happen.

Maria will be staying at a hotel (in the USA). We will not be disclosing specifics to protect Maria and to protect her birth from interference. Her hotel will have a fridge and will cost over $100 a night. She will need at least one night, but if we raise any extra $, it will go towards Maria having more time at the hotel for rest or in case of longer labor. Maria’s hotel will be 2 minutes from the nearest hospital in case of need. She has a local back up OB with privileges at all the local hospitals.

Why the Need?
She does not live alone. Maria had to move into her current home after Hurricane Sandy. Maria’s living environment includes individuals who are non-supportive of the homebirth she seeks, and any attempts to do so would result in interference.

What We Need (Needed: Donations & Volunteers)
One Hotel Room for at least one day (monetary donations; plus tax; we also factor in the fees they charge for us to accept funds in this fundraiser)
Bonus: Extra days in the hotel (monetary donations)
Bonus: food dehydrator (donations of product or $– please contact us if you‘d like to gift the item; these cost around $130; plus shipping costs)
One Treasurer: an additional person with access to the fund who volunteers to make themselves available to myself and Maria when she needs us for the birth. Must be on-call, and must either provide Maria & I her phone # for text or call at any time of day or night, promising to be try to always be reachable. Alternatively, must be reachable by Facebook and constantly accessible by us (preferably via phone app, with immediate and reliable notification abilities). Please e-mail info@theperfectbirth.com to inquire about helping.

Maria’s baby at 15 weeks

How the Money Will Be Used
Once we have enough for the room, it will sit in the fund until needed. Any additional after that will go towards a food dehydrator, which Maria will use for treating the placenta. The money allotted for this will be used to immediately purchase and ship one to her so she will have it on hand when needed. Any additional after that will go towards extra nights in the hotel.

Myself and one other Treasurer (needed, see above) will be contacted by Maria when she is starting labor and ready to check in. Either of us will then immediately book the room for her.

She’s already at 36 weeks, so please make your donations today in case the baby comes early!

Click Here to donate to birth freedom for Christmas, now. Thank you and have a wonderful, warm, comfortable, loved-filled season.

The fine print:  Maria has stated and it is on record that she is solely responsible for this birth. She has in writing removed all liability or responsibility from myself and anyone else donating or participating in this fundraiser.

Letters About Birth #2 (Midwives): Your Voice Counts Day

Your Voice Counts Day is a day going around the internet on which, for Thanksgiving, we are supposed to submit letters to our caregivers regarding our labors. We mail or hand them in to let them know how terrific or horrible our experiences were in the hopes that it raises awareness for the level of treatment we are receiving. I’ll be doing mine here, in a series of 3.

The reason I hesitate to actually send these consists of several reasons. One, I believe that mainstream people will disregard me. Two, many people are mentioned, and it isn’t overall praise or blame for the whole, and some are nameless.

Image by Flickr: Wonderlane. Contains a parable on the Buddha and praise/blame.

Three, some of these people already know how I feel. Four, at the end of the day, I’m not sure if this is more for me, or for them. Or maybe it’s for you. It’s not that I think I can’t make a difference, but it’s about too much wasted effort in one direction that feels like barking at the wind. Anyway, this series will stand here, and maybe it will help you, or maybe those people will actually find their way here and it will matter to them.

Just like in my book, names have been anonymized in part or completely to protect real identities. For those who read my book, this may be a nice accompaniment, but it’s not a prerequisite to appreciate this.

Dear D & L, LK, & Hospital Staff,

You are the main reason I do not believe in midwives anymore. I went this route which was meant to include homebirth because, inexplicably, I still believed in myself and my body. The prior hospital experience had crushed my spirit and proven me wrong, yet something inside me would not let go of the idea that I was meant for this and it was attainable and preferable. My experience with you I believed would empower me, and instead it sent me further into the abyss.

I don’t know if I can “blame” you. I think all in all there is a system problem, and you (just like all health care workers, including doctors) probably truly want to help people, and feel you do so every day. Just like OBs, you receive praise and adoration for your great works, but through my eyes it is not without its casualties.

After “40 weeks”, I had to undergo the hospital non-stress tests, even though the due date was not based on my body’s rhythms, but on flawed measurement tools. One flawed measuring tool, the ultrasound, indicated my fluid *might* be low. I wish you had listened to me and not these tests or guidelines. I was fine, the baby was fine, yet talk of induction began. You knew I didn’t want this. Yet you gave me less than 24 hours to drink water and take baths to replenish fluid you can’t even measure right or I was going to be admitted to the hospital for mandatory induction? I wish you hadn’t given me that ultimatum. It was dehumanizing.

I had waited forever for you, LK. I was hungry and angry at the thought of my birth being dictated to me. I didn’t even know you, we hadn’t met. You came to check my dilation when I was ready to walk out the door after so many hours. I never do that, by the way. I’m a good and obedient patient, to my own detriment. But you arrived just after my husband told them we were leaving… I guess that prompted you to drop whatever was keeping you and check me out. What I thought was just a dilation check became you stirring my membranes. I remember you saying, “I’m just going to stir things around down there,” with your fingers inserted already. I remember the pain, and I remember I said, “Okay,” not yet understanding what that meant, as it was happening. I thought you were being rough, because cervical checks were not always this painful. Then it was clear. You were doing me a favor, supposedly. You were trying to stir the membranes to manually induce labor, to “give” me the homebirth I wanted in time, before being coerced into a hospital induction.

I was furious after I left, when I understood what was happening to me. I didn’t want your “help”! I didn’t want to be induced at all! I wanted this baby to choose their own birthday! Don’t any of you get that? Why would you ever do that without making sure the person gave their full consent? I felt violated. You had done something to my body in a position of trust that was against my will. Later I was spotting blood and losing my plug. Even though membrane stirring is not proven to start labor (and is proven to introduce bacteria, cause pain, and create spotting), you did the practice on me anyway without my agreement in an act of trying to be *merciful* to me. You were wrong.

On the way home I called you, D, to tell you. I was out of breath, struggling with words, but obviously upset. I said that LK’s “help” was “not cool”. You agreed… because you had just been to a birth and were so tired, you wanted a chance to catch up on your sleep first before my baby came! D, that’s not at all the problem. I felt like an animal while everyone but me manipulated my body and made choices about it for me, without my consent.

The rage I felt that night, I cannot describe to you. I paced. I ranted. I processed. I confided in you, I trusted you, so I brainstormed out loud with you on the phone my plots. “We could just say I went into labor, and that the homebirth was still on, and that later on we figured it was false labor. We could just keep doing that until it’s the real thing, and they’ll never have to check or admit me or try to induce. ” After all, “false” labor happens all the time. As much as I hate lying, I was willing to do it to save myself. You told me D, that we couldn’t do that, and that if I tried to do that you would no longer be allowed to care for me.

No longer allowed! I would be completely without assistance for labor, simply because I told the hospital something which could or could not be truthful and no one would have any way of knowing. Except you, D, of course, if you were privy to this confidential choice by me. But you would admit it, or tell. I guess you would be scared… scared if something went wrong, it would come back on you, I would blame or sue you. Well, I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t. I know you don’t know that, but I wouldn’t. I’m honorable. All I wanted was a healthy birth, and one that didn’t traumatize anyone, but that isn’t what I got. You were lawsuit-free but it broke me. It changed my life and caused a giant scar inside of me. It almost altered the future of my family. The consequences of these things are so much more severe than legal troubles or even job or money loss. It’s so much deeper than that. What was at stake for me was greater.

So that night, as more of an act of protest, I had sex to induce labor. I didn’t want even THIS manner of induction, but I had to take matters into my own hands. I had to feel in control again. Other people would NOT tell me what to do with my body, would not put their hands in or on me to make anything happen that I didn’t consent to. I did it because I wasn’t going to let anyone push me into a corner. I did it because if anything was going to induce me, it was going to be me. Immediately after, contractions began. I’ll never know for sure if it was the stressing rage I felt, the membrane stirring, the intercourse, or any combo of these, or maybe even none of these at all… but it seems like labor was indeed “induced” and that I may have been the one to effectively create it. That is bittersweet, because I will never know, and because I was put in a position to do something I didn’t want, but at least I was still in the driver’s seat and not going to let them take it away from me. I was going to have this baby naturally and at home. I would NOT be going to the hospital this time!

But that didn’t happen. I called you D, in the early morning, to let you know I was excited to be contracting all night and this was the day. I was feeling good. Sleep was nice. Labor so far was easy. I called D first because I was scared that you, L, would be too hands-on even though you were my primary. You were closer to me and you had asked to be called before D and we went against that. At the time we thought that D would give us more choices and more time. D after all had been the “fade into the woodwork” one, which I truly sensed I needed. When you were both here, it was intense. I was in hard labor. I needed to be alone but you wouldn’t leave me alone! Getting on my back for a check was excruciating but you “made” me anyway. Why? I was *this* close to having the baby! Let me do my thing, please. I was stripping off my clothing right in front of you, didn’t you notice I was almost there? If I tightened up, I’m sure it was the tension of being around people, being in painful positions, and submitting to checks.

Then that damn meconium showed up (possibly normal, possibly due to the stress), and you “had” to transfer me. Ugh! Legally, maybe you did, I don’t know. But it sucks. I know now that it is NOT an emergency, and while I know you would not want to be held liable if anything were to happen as a result, or maybe you’d get in trouble with the state or the hospital if anyone found out, this was even worse for me. This was the worst day of my life. I had to put on clothing, because the ambulance was coming. You might as well have asked me to tap dance. I had to crawl down the hall covered in piss, fluid, and blood because you thought the paramedics couldn’t fit the stretcher down my hall. If that’s true, DAMN, it still was an ordeal. Twenty minutes felt like an eternity. Could you have dragged me? Maybe you thought this was my last shot to be alone, my last shot to have the baby at home, and if so, I do appreciate that. It felt like I was in Hell, it was torture, and I’m not being dramatic. I wish you would have left me alone completely and let me labor in peace. I would have had a great birth and produced a healthy baby for you in no time. I wouldn’t have lost faith in myself and carried recurring memories with me to haunt me.

I needed quiet and solitude, and trust in me and my body and my instinct. I hope you can give more of that to other women you help. I hope you will take that away from my story. Some women don’t need to be encouraged or touched or told how good they are doing. Some women need to just be left the fuck alone, or it is like you are killing them just to be there. But that’s just the labor aspect. We do not need to be held hostage by the legalities of an archaic maternity system. We don’t need to be threatened into submission.

To the female paramedic, thank you so much for honoring my wishes and being a gentle spirit. You were so respectful and I could feel your mercy, and you let me lay on my side like I needed. I felt your kindness and gentleness. I wish I was in a position then to say so to you. I wanted to write you a letter and I did send a message to the hospital, so I hope it got to you. You made a huge difference.

To whoever covered me with a blanket when we entered the hospital doors, THANK YOU. My eyes were closed but I still didn’t appreciate my ass hanging out. That was very considerate and meant a lot.

In the hospital, the baby was right there. He came right away. No meconium aspiration, of course. Good fluid amount. Everything okay. He was perfect, sturdy as an ox (is that an expression?), and as angry as I felt inside. Just as soon as they were taking him away to check him, they were giving him right back. My husband and daughter missed the birth. My husband missed the birth of his first son.

I had a million strangers around me holding my legs, prepping the room in a hurry, and LK, you were there to deliver. You told me (ha!) to put my chin to my chest and push, and not to make any noise. As if you had any control at that point! Had you never seen the involuntary fury of a woman delivering without drugs? I did the opposite. I couldn’t have listened to you if I wanted to. I couldn’t have even tried. I DID make noise and I put my chin away from my chest, and I wasn’t pushing on your command, I was pushing because my body could do nothing else. You and your nurses were rough with the matter of placenta delivery and subsequent uterine massage. Your pitocin afterwards for bleeding was bullshit and unnecessary and only added to my pain. The aftershocks were hard. If you thought my blood loss was excessive, don’t do things that make people bleed. Please read more about a relaxed and natural third stage delivery. Thanks for not sewing me up too tight, even though I could feel you stitching me. You are an example to me of how just because a practitioner is a woman does not mean they are delicate.

Midwives: I know you have lives of your own and professions to protect, but you are supposed to be “with woman”. Who knows what I need better:  me, or the state of Florida? I needed you to believe in me and without you I no longer believed in myself. I gave my body and my trust over to you, and I deserved your trust in return. To understand horror truly and deep in your soul is a rare thing and should be rarer.

Hospital — please teach your staff how to handle with courtesy the patients. After what for me had been a horrific day, I needed sleep. I was in a lot of pain and trying to find the right meds to let me breastfeed but also sleep, and baby occasionally woke to be nursed. People calling me to demand I choose something from the menu waking me and the newborn up is not necessary. Please train your staff in appropriate behavior or hire people who are good with people.

I get shit for this one occasionally. People who’ve read my book or an excerpt act like I’m some diva slapping a tray out of someone’s hand, thinking myself precious.  No. Talk about missing the point because you feel like it. Like I’ve said before, I’m a timid patient and customer. I’m the type that can’t even send food back at a restaurant if something is wrong with it. All things in perspective. Those people don’t really deserve a response, but in the spirit of defending myself, let me clarify.

So– I’m in tons of pain with a newborn, and we are both trying to rest after the worst day of my life. It’s 6 am or so and still pretty dark when the phone startles me out of an already fragile sleep. Groggy and worn, I can barely detect the mumbling on the other side of the phone that I fumbled just picking up. “Huh,” I was like. And the lady on the other end, with an obvious chip on her shoulder and I’m guessing no clue what my state of health or mind was, yelled back, “Watchoo WANT for breakfuss??” I was at a loss for words. “I don’t even know what you have.” I said. Then she started listing shit off a menu. I had to interrupt her. “We’ll just get something to eat later.” I said, and hung up. That’s all paraphrased of course, ’cause that was like 3 years ago, but I trust that’s pretty accurate (albeit condensed).

Now, I’ve given birth at a hospital before. I’ve never had someone call me up at the crack of dawn just to ask me about food (and, it didn’t happen again, during my stay there), and with an attitude like I was inconveniencing them. People quietly enter and exit your room, to check on you and your health, to check on the baby. People don’t loudly make fusses or wake you out of needed sleep. Maybe my previous hospital was better, had more of a clue. If people want food, they’ll go get it or fill out a little paper or something, or call for it by phone or by nurse. If they’re in recovery, they don’t want to be dialed up over cheerios. That was all I meant.

Some have said, “it’s not their job to know what you’ve been through.” Oh, isn’t it? But apparently it is their job to call up every room and take orders? That’s an odd job duty. In fact, part of the reason I always thought nurses took care of our food for us was they knew how we were doing, what kind of allergies we had, what kind of medication we were on, etc. It’s not their job to know? So you mean to say if they call up a room with a coma patient, and the phone rings endlessly but no one picks up, that’s a smooth running operation– a hospital that really has their shit together? Whatever. The point is, if hospital staff (including cafeteria workers) have access to any recovering patient, yes they absolutely should know the patient’s status or condition before trying to engage them in anything. Don’t have access to reach me or affect me if you don’t know my condition or needs. That seems reasonable. And nothing they do should be jolting or disturbing, in the hospital, of all places! That’s how people get better.

So yeah, I was pissed that I got woken up and pissed for my baby too, big deal. (lol) And for the record, I never bitched anyone out about it, I just described my frustration over it in my book about my births, so excuse the hell out of me for recounting the memory. >:) *End rant*.

One more thing, Hospital. You “let” me go home early, because, you know, I wanted that homebirth, after all. How kind, right? Let me tell you something. If you have a hospital experience, the recovery and being taken care of is sometimes the best part. I think that very concept is what keeps some people from homebirthing at all. In my mind, how I felt, I needed that recovery. I had a scary and painful experience and had already had the lesser parts of the hospital birth experience; the upside was supposed to be the “vacation”. It was well earned, that’s for sure. Even though this hospital was sub-par compared to my last, I’ll be honest… I was reluctant to go home. I was hurt. I was sensitive. I needed the rest, the break, needed to be babied, and you cut me loose. Leave it up to the patient next time. They might actually want or need the standard stay.

Everyone, overall the fuss made over me was unnecessary and the commotion gave me an excruciatingly painful labor like nothing I would ever wish on anyone, and the psychological damage I am still astounded today that I had the strength to heal. Birth became my enemy that day, not just because I didn’t get what I envisioned, but because the pain itself was felt in the most terrible way as to test the very limits of what one thinks they are capable of enduring (and has no choice not to). And now I know it didn’t have to. The damage that implies is so utterly tremendous I cannot convey this with words. Birth doesn’t have to be anything at all like that. That birth was not special, not dangerous, but it was made so.  I know you feel you help a lot of people, but the standards and procedures are so very flawed. Care needs to be individualized to the woman, not based on arbitrary bullshit. Attentiveness to up to date science (not to be mistaken for “medicine”, which is its own category and a business) including acknowledging that we are mammals with specific needs and responses in labor is critical! Those MUST be honored and worked with, not against, or we are hurting women and babies. Please know that even if I’m only reflecting 1% of those you see, of every 99 women you help, you may be brutalizing 1. I have a feeling my story resonates with more than 1%, though.

I don’t want you to think I hate you, because I don’t. We’re all doing what we have to do and what we think is right, right…? Things have to change, though.

Sincerely, Elizabeth

Letters About Birth #1 (Hospital): Your Voice Counts Day

Your Voice Counts Day is a day going around the internet on which, for Thanksgiving, we are supposed to submit letters to our caregivers regarding our labors. We mail or hand them in to let them know how terrific or horrible our experiences were in the hopes that it raises awareness for the level of treatment we are receiving. I’ll be doing mine here, in a series of 3. The reason I hesitate to actually send these consists of several reasons. One, I believe that mainstream people will disregard me. Two, many people are mentioned, and it isn’t overall praise or blame for the whole, and some are nameless. Three, some of these people already know how I feel. Four, at the end of the day, I’m not sure if this is more for me, or for them. Or maybe it’s for you. It’s not that I think I can’t make a difference, but it’s about too much wasted effort in one direction that feels like barking at the wind. Anyway, this series will stand here, and maybe it will help you, or maybe those people will actually find their way here and it will matter to them. Just like in my book, names have been anonymized in part or completely to protect real identities. For those who read my book, this may be a nice accompaniment, but it’s not a prerequisite to appreciate this.

Dear Dr. L,  Thank you for your kindness, gentleness, and understanding. You were so pleasant and comfortable to be around. Visiting you was a great first experience for a first time mom. I have now given birth with doctors and midwives, and I think if I had to relive an attended birth, I would go back to you. I came away from the birth feeling a sense of lack or emptiness. I thought it went well in some respects… in that I got to be numb, I got a seemingly healthy child from it, and I wasn’t too messed up afterwards. By conventional standards today, I think it was normal.

I have since found that Dr. L has settled out of court for malpractice. I really wonder what the case was. Did something she do harm someone in a terrible way?

I think our standards are too low. They make us thankful when maybe we should ask why more. Several years and births later, I have learned a lot more about birth. I’m mad. I’m mad that at only “41 weeks” (which I thought could have been wrong, anyway, since my due date changed so much) I was induced, and with Christmas just a week away. I have contact with women regularly who are induced around the holidays. Obviously I can’t help but wonder if that played a part. I thought I was going to get at least the 42 weeks to wait. Ultrasound alone, even if it had shown anything potentially concerning, is a faulty measuring device for non-stress tests, and I wish they would only be taken with a grain of salt. Induction I feel is used for convenience, and it hurts people. It robs people of their chances at a truly natural birth, it rushes the baby, and it increases risk of emergency (moreso than simply waiting for baby). I have no doubt that the interventions which followed, including the epidural, were influenced heavily by the induction. Why didn’t we just wait? My placenta was not in bad shape. My baby was healthy. I was fine, and the pregnancy was fine. It’s my fault, too. I know. I could have said no. But I was 21, I was dying to meet this baby, and I trusted you. I think those things overruled my better judgment and I went along with it. I am in nature a much more stubborn, opinionated, savvy person. I constantly read during my pregnancy, I ate only the right things, I cared so much about this baby and birth. I was totally committed and devoted, and I’m not usually gullible or foolish. You deal with impressionable young women every day, some less headstrong than me, some who don’t do any research on their own. Your role is vital. 2/3 of OB/GYN guidelines are not based in science, but are based more in medical liability issues or convenience, things themselves based largely on myth and tradition and sometimes selfishness, and not on birth physiology. These are the modern old wives tales. It’s hurting women. It’s hurt me. My daughter was affected. She and I suffered seizures and convulsions. Mine seemed to only last for about six months after the birth. Call it an extended epidural headache, a bit of a hiccup if you will. It didn’t feel like a hiccup when I was slamming my neck into a railing and I blacked out, but whatever. My daughter was less lucky. She didn’t take to breastfeeding, and was not thriving. My dreams of being a natural earth mother were dashed there too when I gave her formula. I cried but I wasn’t going to watch her starved, and the nurses and lactation consultants had done all they could do for me. She was sickly as a baby, constantly with some bug, constantly getting medication. Today she still has absence seizures, problems with concentration, and a slight speech impediment. I will always wonder if this was as a result of the birth, which I know it could be (I saw her develop these changes after vaccines, but her weak condition probably made her ultimately susceptible to being damaged by them). We needed more time, and more nature.  Nothing about us was broken, we didn’t need tweaking, or fixing, or saving. And none of us can take it back now. Please think twice before inducing women. Please read up on mammalian birth physiology and Dr. Michel Odent, Dr. Sarah Buckley too. Tell me what you think. Read Childbirth Without Fear, too, or Pushed, or Born in the USA. Please stop insisting women get strapped down and monitored and stuck in one place, especially when they’re totally healthy. Please allow women to eat and drink in labor. I know it might be inconvenient for you, but we need to do what is natural and keep up our energy during long labors. It makes us more sickly and weak and easier to give in when you don’t (which I hope isn’t a goal). Please find out more about delaying cord clamping and those benefits to the baby. Please encourage women to move more freely and give birth in whatever position is comfortable for them.

Image via Mamas and Babies

Please allow water births, even if it means the patient brings an outside pool into the birthing suite. Please stop performing episiotomies and find out why they are actually worse and not proven scientifically as being helpful. Women should not be lying on their backs to birth at all, unless it’s an emergency or they instinctively choose it. Please keep the birthing suites dim and quiet with as little hustle and bustle (staff presence and intrusion) as possible during hard active labor, as this disturbs the primal laboring mind and thus increases pain and danger. Please stop doing regular and routine vaginal checks for dilation and such, as they can actually stall birth and the 10 centimeter standard is somewhat arbitrary anyway. Please stop doing directed 1-10 pushing and let the woman take the reins, because her body will do the work for both of you. Please do not rush the placenta delivery. Please do not sew women up too tight after labor. If you change their bodies too much, it makes it harder for them to have sex again. All of these things and more would help you to really give women back their births, and I guarantee you would notice a change and healthier patients. If I had had all these things, I might not be a solo birther today. You would be doing a service and honor to women, and it would be particularly noble considering it may go against your training and your acquired education in the field. I loved you and I know you could help people in ways you haven’t thought possible. As great as you were, if you take my words seriously, you could do so much more. I went on to have two more healthier babies afterwards, so I have seen the power of what we can do when we respect nature and respect the mother’s instinct, letting it lead the way.  Love, Elizabeth

Dear Nurses Amy & Lisa, Thank you so much for your warmth, kindness, pleasance, tenderness. You really made my experience that much sweeter and easier, and you can see that you really do this for love of women and babies. Your jobs really matter to you. I know the hospital has certain procedures and protocol, but some of the normal stuff done, the routine every day stuff, is actually causing harm. Amy, there are some things neonates need more than to be immediately weighed, and bathed, and measured, and pricked… they are cold and crying. They need to be with their mothers. Those first few moments and hours are critical and it’s a sacred time. They all long for peace. If everyone seems healthy, those things can wait. When this stage is disturbed, it has actually shown to have unexpected effects, such as increased risk of PPH (post partum hemorrhage) in mothers. I wish the hospital could adopt these standards more easily. Lisa, the reason women even try for natural birth is because it doesn’t have to be some horrific painfest, and we don’t want our babies negatively affected by the drugs. As amazing as it was to have you by my side, the biological missing pieces affecting my psyche after this birth stayed with me, puzzling me, for many years until I “got it right”. We are doing this to most women today in birth, even if they are not always conscious of it. We are robbing something from them that their biology recognizes even if their mentality cannot. Believe me, there is a beauty to natural birth that maybe isn’t so apparent in the hospital setting. Anyway, thanks ladies, for standing by me, and caring about me and my little girl. Love, Elizabeth

Dear Anesthesiologist from Heaven, You were my hero of the day. I have no idea what I would have done without you. You were a lifesaver. I literally thought I would go insane without your help. When you mentioned scoliosis and had trouble placing the needle, I thought I was going to cry and lose my mind. Your presence was one of gentleness and comfort, and after some of the horror stories I have heard, I am so thankful for your loving demeanor. Your drugs were quick and effective, and the little button I got to press gave me  security and control. My baby and I did suffer after-effects from the epidural, but I truly feel that when you are in the hospital, the conditions can make the labor so completely unbearable that having mercy on yourself is crucial. I am happy the drugs are there for those who find themselves in an impossible situation, for they truly need it. Thank you so much for being there for me. I know I’m *supposed to* (haha) see you as some paternalistic symbol of our obstetric model, saving the “damsel in distress”, but in that situation I needed you. I’m forever grateful. If I had one critique, it would just be to be there sooner for everyone, because when they need you, they need you five minutes ago, or maybe clone yourself. Love, Elizabeth

Dear Elderly Nurse,  I wish when I told you I couldn’t breathe, you hadn’t covered my mouth and nose with that rag. I needed space, not smothering. It would have been nice to have not been made to go to the bathroom and shower right after birth. I could barely walk. Letting me rest would have been better. When I almost fainted on you, you didn’t seem like being alone with me was the best situation for either of us. I would hate to think what it would be like for you with overweight patients in that scenario. But, thank you for saying that my breathing during labor was good.  Love, Elizabeth

Dear Bitch Nurse, I don’t know what your problem is, but you have no business working alongside women, especially new mothers. Your bedside manner was the worst memory I have from my first child’s birth. You were rude, accusatory, incorrect, and uncaring. I have no idea why you are even a nurse. You couldn’t even see how you were hurting people, or did you not care? A mother recovering after labor should not ever have to cry herself to sleep during her stay in the hospital. You’re horrible. Please find another profession that doesn’t involve interacting with the public. Sincerely, Elizabeth Dear Formula Nurse, Thank you for breaking the news kindly and gently to me that my daughter was not thriving and needed formula. I am getting unexpectedly teary-eyed just thinking about it. You helped me do what she needed at that point in time. I would do anything for her. I just wanted you to know, though, that despite what everyone says, sometimes women just have sensitive nipples and sometimes breastfeeding does just hurt the first several weeks. I know it isn’t “supposed to”, but it can. With future children I discovered that, because I stuck it out and after 4-6 weeks, it finally felt natural because my nipples toughened. I bet it would help your patients to know that.  You saw us… the latch was correct, when she would even latch. Formula is expensive, so thank you for all the free samples. Love, Elizabeth Dear Hospital, You’re a birthing suite, you are supposed to be comfortable and deluxe. People actually choose you because they feel it will be the most home-like environment in a clinical setting. I know I was happy to end up with you. As far as I was concerned, you were the best choice in the region.

via Sunshine is Delicious

When a woman has had a long labor without eating anything and it’s the middle of the night, it doesn’t matter if the cafeteria is closed. Food is needed for the patient… it’s part of their health. Please don’t make your nurses scrounge to get cereal boxes when they’re trying to help someone recover, or put new tired dads in the position of searching for a 24 hour store or restaurant in a hurry to get some food for everyone. Maybe consider keeping your cafe open all hours. I mean, what women go through is hard enough. Make it easier for them without turning everyone into sudden scavengers. Food is as basic as blankets for the beds or running water for the bathrooms, when you think about it. Plus, everything else I said to everyone above. Sincerely, Elizabeth

Your Birth Story: What it Does & Doesn’t Mean

Your birth story can only account for what is possible, not impossible.

People are selfish. Human beings are consistently driven by ego, and one of those qualities includes making their story the end-all-be-all, final gospel word on certain subjects. I can be a very self-centered person and obviously believe my story can help people. I think all of our stories “prove” a lot of different things. I think anecdote is important. What it’s not, however, is a way to define everyone else’s lives, stories, or to justifiably command their beliefs. Conditioning, nature, and experience will shape these for us– they cannot effectively be imposed. Your story is not the only story that means anything.

My wife and child would have died if not for that life saving intervention from the doctor, so don’t you tell me doctors are doing wrong!

Oh, really… Well, I am happy for you, but I didn’t realize your story meant that mine didn’t happen.

Not even just men, but all people. Hmm…

When I hear the term “birth rape” I think it is such a disrespect. I was raped, and I don’t appreciate anything else being called rape.

Oh, I see. Because you were one of many to have experienced sexual abuse, you are now allowed to sit on a panel that judges what is and isn’t rape for other people, including women who were victims of actual sexual penetration rape who also describe their own labor experiences as “birth rape”. Because your rape gave you authority over all.

I am a nurse and I am hurt that you claim that nurses have abused patients! I bust my butt to save lives every day!

One, thank you for your work. Two, you do not speak for all nurses. Three, what if I told you that things you were taught help people might actually sometimes cause harm? What if I were one of those people who were unintentionally or even intentionally harmed? Would you be willing to learn with an open heart and mind what those things are which cause damage? Would you listen knowing that if you believed me, it would change how you view the world, yourself, your own profession?

Homebirth is ridiculous. I’m lucky I’m so smart and had my baby in the hospital. He needed oxygen and actually suffers today from not having had enough oxygen at birth, so at home he surely would have died, MORONS. Enjoy killing your babies!

I’m sorry you are dealing with a stressful situation. I really mean that. It sucks to face hardship with our babies. We all wish our children had only the best of health. Maybe the pride you feel over doing the “right” thing can be helpful if you are trying to cope with something very difficult, but many of us know that bad situations such as oxygen deprivation can be created in hospitals. Some would argue that you may have had a safer experience at home. Things like drug augmentation, the effect of mother’s position, prolonged labor, premature lungs, premature cord clamping… a variety of things in the hospital (and even at home) are interventions which can damage. Say a baby is in distress during labor and needs to come out now in order to be safe and healthy. Many situations in hospital can actually be causing the distress. That’s just one example. Who really knows for sure? But can this one experience mean you understand what is true and right for everyone, all the time? We all do what we feel is best, in the moment. Every situation is individual. What saves you can kill someone else. Don’t assume you understand it all. Attacking others for a choice you should feel very secure about doesn’t help anyone. And, it doesn’t prove your case.

A good healthy response to most stories and beliefs is, “Maybe that’s true, or maybe it didn’t actually happen the way that it would seem.” I don’t know about you, but when I hear a story, I hear from my heart and my mind. My logic and skepticism provides doubt where I feel intellectually unsure about what is presented, and I will do further research if I need to satisfy that curiosity. My heart will feel for them, employing my empathy and sympathy. Even if logically I do not agree, my heart understands what emotions may be painting the picture. I say, if I were in their shoes, maybe I’d agree. Can’t we all do this?

Our experiences can be so powerful for us, we take them to heart– too much. They become defining features of our identity. What that means is, when someone else’s experience comes in and seems to contradict that, our fragile identities become threatened. Our egos will not stand for that. That’s when people pop in with stories that are somehow supposed to put others in their places and shut them up, only it doesn’t. Because believe it or not, other people have stories too, that to them seem equally powerful.

I’m not immune. Like most humans I struggle with ego and identity every day. I’m an argumentative person and admit that argument stems mainly from identification with labels and forms. Who am I, without my tragedy? What worth am I, without my knowledge or cause? These things keep us trapped. To truly understand, to have right knowledge, we will exercise compassion. The best thing we can try to do is understand each other and give each other room.

Anecdote is not useless, however. It can be helpful to serve to warn others who face similar hurdles.They should serve to help our fellow man avoid undue suffering.

Everything *seems* impossible, until you’ve experienced it.

We should be trying to lessen the suffering in the world, not add to it.

Our stories and anecdotes can help enlighten us so we can take the appropriate next steps on our individual paths. Collections of anecdotes can be considered research, and all anecdote is in some regard evidence. When we use our own story as a means to discredit all other stories which also carry their own weight and power, we are living in our own reality. It’s false. It’s delusional and denial. Your story can tell people what is possible, can suggest what is and isn’t probable, but it cannot negate the details felt by others to tell the world what is impossible.